Holiday Blues

People usually associate grief with losing a loved one.  But, one can grieve the loss of anything. With prostate cancer, it can be the loss of the prostate, performance, or self-image. I know that I grieved after my surgery and it was a difficult time. Dr. Kubler-Ross, an authority on loss, offers a five-stage process:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bartering
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

When I was diagnosed, I went into denial.  I got two more opinions, talked to several doctors, and had several consults.  Then, I became angry as I explained in an earlier post (premature retaliation). It took me awhile to realize how angry I was, but then I started bartering. I prayed that it wasn't as serious as I heard, that my case would be different, and if I were nicer, it would disappear. It didn't and I opted for surgery.  The doctor assured me that he had removed the cancer and luckily it had not spread to the margins (the area surrounding the prostate).  In other words, the operation was successful. The next step was depression (grieving) over the loss of activity I associated with my healthy self (the person I was before my surgery.)  Fortunately, I wasn't much different in regard to getting erections and ejaculations. But, I worried about urine leakage, explanations, and general unease.  Finally, after 2 years, I adjusted to the fact that this was the new me.  And, that it wasn't so bad.  After all, the alternative was worse. It was then I embraced the concept of "living in the moment."  It wasn't easy but with practice, it got easier. There are still times when I fall back into old patterns of depression, but I am able to recover faster. My point here is that holidays have a way of making me more emotional, more sensitive.  I grieve the loss of loved ones and the person I once was.  But, I've found I can love this new person and accept him.  I have come to peace with this. I think that my experience applies to anyone who has or is fighting cancer.  It takes strength, courage, and perseverance.  On the days you feel you just can't go on, be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Life goes on with or without you, but I'd like to think it's better with you in it.

The world is certainly a better place for having had Cubs Ron Santo in it.  Hats off to a real hero. (His funeral procession is being held today in Chicago.)