Happy New Year Everyone

One does kiss, if one is offered

No, that's not me in drag. But it could be in a few years and I wouldn't mind ending up like Betty White. She's the "real deal."  And she says it  herself, "I just keep working."  The truth is, she has. It seems to me that she's been working on some show or other since I can remember. And she's happy to be so busy. Wouldn't anyone be happy to be doing what they love best?  I think so. I have a love/hate relationship with writing.  I love to write and then hate what I've written. (That's a joke....which probably isn't very funny if I have to explain it's a joke.)  Shouldn't there be a font for, "This is funny, folks."  It would take so much work out of trying to be funny or thinking you're funny or just being funny. You'd hit the font and when people saw the font, they'd laugh.  Reminds me of "applause" signs I've seen at TV show audiences.  Actually, I don't know if I ever applauded because I was supposed to, which probably means the font thing wouldn't work.  If someone told you to laugh, would you?  I wouldn't it. It defeats the purpose.  Laugh when you want to and laugh loudly.  I think that's correct but doesn't it sound better to say, "laugh loud and often." But, I think someone else said that too.  You see how difficult it is to be original.  Someone else has already said it.  It makes me wonder why I bother.  I bother because it makes me feel good.  Feeling good increases endorphones and God knows I like earphones.  None of my door phones seem to work properly.  I had three installed the other day and I still can't get good reception. And then you read these stupid blogs that ask you to take a poll.  Why would I want to take a poll?  I have enough trouble reading the blog and I'm one of those compulsive people that once I start reading something I have to finish it.  Then they want me take a poll about it?  Jeez Louise.  Leave an old guy in peace.  I usually need to take a nap, not a poll.  Those posts or blogs or polls are tiring.  I suppose mine is too, which is why I try to keep them short and use a lot of pictures.  But, I've rambled on and on, which is the way I've been this last year.  Rambling from one thing to the next.  So, I promise to keep my posts shorter next year and not write long ones like this one.  That's my new year's resolution and I'm sticking to it.  You know why?  It's easier, although, this one wasn't so hard.  It's probably terrible and that's why I have a love/hate relationship with my writing.  So my friends, and go my foes, hate what you do best. It works for me. I'm going to work on trying to love what I do best.    

Dreams.....

Carnival

How many times have you heard, I've always wanted to....?  I know I've heard myself say that.  Once you have cancer, you develop a different perspective, which is: we don't know how much time we have left. So don't wait, just do it. In the long run, we're only sorry for what we didn't do, not for what we've done. I'm not trying to be morbid, I am trying to be practical.  I know there is always the problem of money, especially for those of us who have exhausted all the savings, insurances, and gifts we have received.  But, there is the use of imagination and improvisation.  If you want to go to Rio, for instance, take a class in Spanish,(it's close enough to Portuguese), and maybe they have a group going there at a special rate.  I have read blogs of those battling Hodgkins and I am absolutely blown away at how many of you continue to go to school, to follow your dreams.  It's a way of suspending reality.  Putting our disease on the back burner, so to speak, while we continue to pursue our goals. We believe. We hope. We accomplish. We are all heros.

If I were a rich man (with subtitles)

Fiddler On The Roof was one of my favorite musicals.  Here, Tevya sings, If I Were A Rich Man,
and there are subtitles if you'd like to sing along.  Why not?  It's fun.

Riches

obesity

In the Middle Ages, obesity was often considered a sign of wealth.  If that's true, I'm feeling very wealthy today. I don't know if I gained any weight but I did overeat.  I know, I know.  It's the holidays. Don't be so hard on yourself.  It only comes around once a year (Thank God) for many reasons. l made at least six dozen cookies, potato salad, banana bread, cranberry cake, cranberry salad, turkey, brownies, and snickerdoodles. I've sampled it all.  The banana bread only made it to one other place.  The rest of the loaf, unfortunately, was eaten by me. I did walk a mile today. (BFD) But, the point of my post  is riches. How do you measure yours?  Is it by the size of your house, type of car, money in the bank, stocks, other property?  Most people do and that's quite common. But, I do think that type of comparison can lead to depression.  Many people have "things."  A lot of wealth that can be measured by an accountant.  But, what about your emotional equity?  Friends, family, companions. Generosity to a person in need.  Knowing you would help a friend if they were in trouble.  Realizing your actions may have changed the direction of someone's life.  The truth is I am not a wealthy person if you looked at my bank accounts.  In fact, I'm a writer.  That says it all.  I do my best. When I get upset, I remind myself that other people need to be on medication and I need to stay on mine.  I will make a point about prostate cancer and that is one in four men will be diagnosed this year. One in two will be diagnosed if they happen to be African American. Why?  Awareness..Fear...Money.  I don't know.  All I know is that if you can tell a friend or neighbor about the importance of getting a physical and remind them that their life may depend on it, you too can be rich. Consider it an investment.      

Tradition....

Pierogies (my favorite)

Oplatek wafers

Everyone remembers a family tradition.  The one I remember most is called, Wigilia " I am of Polish descent and every Christmas Eve since I can remember, all of the family, including aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins would meet at one of the relative's homes, usually in a decorated basement.  The men would immediately head for the bar and the women would start preparing the food.  Generally, festivities began around 5 p.m.  There were a lot of  kisses, hugs, and a few tears. Many of our parents have died in recent years and we, the surviving adults, have kept the tradition going.  Before dinner, the oldest would take a wafer (oplatek); break a piece and share it with immediate family wishing them a blessed Christmas and a new year filled with health, wealth, and happiness. Each person shared the wafer that had been given to them, broke off a piece and continued through the room until everyone had finished.  Occasionally, we would personalize the wish.  By the end of the tradition, a certain peace had settled in because everyone realized the importance of family and gathering together.  We would then sit at a long table, a short prayer was said; blessing those present,  those departed, and those, who could not be there that night.  Once this was finished, it was time to celebrate by filling our plates with food, that was generally prepared or baked by the women.  These included potato or sauerkraut pierogies (my favorite), kielbasa, horseradish that cleared your sinuses, potato salad, kasha, casseroles, vegetables, and desserts.  All the food is home-made and the aromas and tastes are met with such comments as, "the kielbasa's good;  'I love the ambrosia' (Is that Polish?)."  It really didn't matter.  There were compliments, jokes, whispers and a feeling that can only be described as love.  I can't be there tonight so I am trying to remember everything, as much as I can, so I'll feel as if I were there.  There were a few of us who still remembered the Polish greeting, which is, "Wesolych Swiat."  The elders said it properly, the rest of us stumbled through it, and now, we wish each other a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  The words aren't as important as the tradition of being together.   So, tonight, I wish all of my family and fellow bloggers, a very Merry Christmas and an abundant New Year filled with health and experiences that enrich and fulfill your life.  Thanks to all of you who have been supportive this year.  I look forward to all of us having even a better year.  Peace.

Merry Christmas Everyone

Here's wishing all of you

A Merry Christmas 

   And a Happy Holiday Season

     (For the record, I was blackmailed into doing this.)

.....Not Without A Fight

This is mine.  I refuse to give it up without a fight.  I'm visualizing myself as a 

                       German Shepard/ Pit Bull mix.  They hang on no matter what, you know.  

Gifts.....

Ken bought me this cool toy.  I found it on the couch, so it must be mine.  I pulled it out and then ate the bag because I like paper (and to get rid of the evidence.)  I'm chewing it because I'm a dog.   I'll get back to you when I'm done.

Honesty

Honesty.  I have been hearing this word a lot recently. I have a feeling most of us want honesty.  I know I do. Be truthful.  Say you were wrong.  I'd rather tell someone that I made a mistake and apologize.  Is that so hard to do?  I'm beginning to think it is.  No one is always right.  And I'm not talking about being brutally honest because that hurts. If you feel you always have to be honest, you also have to be ready to accept the consequences. . Maybe, being truthful isn't that important anymore.  I'd hate to think that.

Honesty and cancer.  I know it is difficult to be honest with ourselves.  If my body isn't feeling right, I need to ask myself, "Why is that?"  Denial is a wonderful coping mechanism but it has only hurt me in the long run.  If I am honest and aware something is wrong, I need to get it checked.  I know that the reason I am in remission today is due to early detection and immediate action. Where this gets tricky is that we often have to depend on the expertise and knowledge of our Doctors. That's where sharing our knowledge with each other and giving support is key. Be sure to check out your Doctor's credentials. Ask questions.  Don't be afraid of what anyone thinks?  It's your treatment.  I think anyone reading this blog would agree with me.  Finally, it is your life and you need to be in charge .  It's much easier to turn it over to someone else, but being in charge is priceless. With cancer, unfortunately, no one has all the answers and there is the element of trial and error.  Many of you are in clinical trials where outcomes are unpredictable.  All I can say is "trust your gut."  It's the best indicator of how you're feeling. Spend some time meditating or just being alone to sort out your feelings.  I've learned that the more honest I am with myself, the more honest I can be with others.

Janelle Monáe (feat. Big Boi) TightRope Official Video

WOW!   SHE'S AWESOME....... We all walk the tightrope,  but can you dance it? ..

Sexy Socks

 

This was the reaction I got when I walked into my first Christmas party.  I thought they were happy to see me.  Or, do you think it was the socks?

Do Ask, Do Tell

Today, December l8th, the Senate repealed the, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," law that has been in effect since l925.  President Obama states that, "I will never know what it feels like to be discriminated against because of my sexual orientation. But I know my story would not be possible without the sacrifice and struggle of those who came before me -- many I will never meet, and can never thank. I know this repeal is a crucial step for civil rights, and that it strengthens our military and national security. I know it is the right thing to do." He says he will sign the new bill later this week, claiming that it is a great step for civil rights, since discrimination against gays and lesbians in the military has been long in effect."  In the past, if a soldier, regardless of their record were "outed," they were given a dishonorable discharge, and lost benefits. Think about it. For their sexual preference.  They fought for us and served our Country well. Many have died in battle.   As you know from an earlier post, I have "come out" this year and am proud to be gay. It is a big step for me and this is a big step for our Country, although I don't think Congress cares much about the fact that I "came out." (lol)   I applaud the Congress and the President for the historical passage. On a similar note, many of us who have or fight cancer, are also in the minority.  Many of us can't get jobs, and the same applies to insurance, until recently. Those of us who are bald from chemo or other drugs; using wheelchairs or walkers due to weakness; are often given that, "Poor thing" look, or even worse, many avoid giving "eye contact," or dealing with us at all.  We didn't ask for cancer, just like gays and lesbians in the military did not ask to be "gay."  They did sign up to serve our Country.  Shouldn't they, like us, be given the respect we deserve for our "battle"? 

Samurai Shopper

As I get ready to slay mental demons and arm myself for the crowds of Saturday shoppers, I wish you all luck in your daily endeavors.  SAMURAI..........

Don't Dog And Drive

I must admit it is easy to do this.  But please don't.  Especially in holiday traffic and wanting to be there an hour ago.  I went out this afternoon, without my dog, and thought everyone was going waaay too slow.  I think I may have been just a tiny bit impatient.  Patience prevents prostate cancer.  Another pathetic reach.

Straight No Chaser - Sewer Can- Can

Christmas time is truly here
Plumbers bang all night long
My sewer line did clog
I'll pretend nothing's wrong

I'll bake some fresh cookies
It will kill the smell
How about a small drink
Down the bottle, what the hell

Let's all do the Christmas Can-Can

Here's the real story:

Why should a sewage leak in the basement, directly below my condo drive me over the edge?  Could it be the hoody wearing plumbers banging and snaking a coil from nine a.m. to 11 p.m. up pipes which refused to unclog?  Could it be the stench and yes, the sludge on the floor that drove me bonkers?  Could it be the neighbor from a different section of the condos, whose pipes were clogged, asking if the plumbers could come in and use a hose through my kitchen?  Naw, it couldn't be that. Could it be their return the next day with a bigger truck and more plumbers?  My working all day and walking into my condo, realizing it smelled even worse, going downstairs and seeing three inches of water left by the plumbers?  They were gone.  No one was there.  Could it be my calling the property manager and being put into voice mail?  Could it be never getting a return call?  Naw.  I'm sure that's not it.  Could it be my calling 311 yesterday, their taking all my information, saying they would send a representative out there immediately and no one ever showing?  Naw, that can't be it.  WTF?  Why haven't they come here?  They should have shown up?  Could it be the "so called clean-up which left some of it behind and the stench that refuses to leave?  WTF?  I don't have to take this.   I don't have to take this. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom....." I've been put on hold.  Wait, now I'm listening to all my options.  I don't even remember which ones I just heard.  A recording says, "Your call will be answered in the order....."  OK.  I got a person.  A person. "Can you explain the nature of your problem?"  Well, there's shit in the basement.  "Could you tell me how that happened?"  This neighbor had a clogged pipe and these plumbers came and then they left and it really smells and I can't stand....."Hold on. Hold on."  After explaining, giving my name, address, etc., "We have a record of your calling but we don't know when someone will be coming out there." But, this is.....serious......."We'll be sending someone out there." Sure you will.....I better stop and make some Christmas cookies for them.(ha)   Stress is not good for prostate cancer.  This is NOT a reach.

Marvin Gaye Lets Get It On

One of my all time favorites

Primal Sex

Sex is primal.  Without it, there would not be a society.  But, we all know it's not just about procreation.  It feels good; (so good...oh baby, let me hold you...show you how much I love you...sorry, I got carried away) it's healthy for you; and, let's not forget it's inexpensive. But, I want to talk about primal sex.  Sex reaffirms life. This may sound strange but I have found that if I have been to a funeral, I really enjoy sex once it's all over.  It makes me feel alive.  The drive to have it is primal.  After a stressful visit with family (an oxymoron), I want sex.  And, when I found out that I had prostate cancer, I was obsessed with sex.  Looking back,  I was afraid of dying. Not the usual going under and complications, but  fear of death. Once I recovered, I had sex because I could.  And I needed repeated proof of that knowledge. (Let me drink your body until I am intoxicated). No, I'm not a sexaholic. I could be in denial. My point here is that I enjoy sex, but there are times when I need it to prove I'm alive. For those of you recently diagnosed with cancer, I understand your obsession.  In time, you may learn that sex has its place. I have learned to put it where it belongs.  I've been there. (Now that I've finished this post, I'm going to see what I can line up...)    I mean intimacy is the goal.   (I wonder who's home..) Remember, it's not just physical....(let's get physical, physical)     

Only 12 More Days,,,

As you know, I'm Ken's dog.  My name is Nathan and this is my 4th Christmas with him.  I think he's gone over the edge. He spent the weekend decorating.  All this garland and lights....It's nice, but he put garland on my ledge where I look out the window.  Now I have to balance on the couch arm and I've slid off twice. Besides, the view isn't that good.  I work hard to keep him happy.  It isn't easy. He just finished cooking some kind of chicken dish and he did give me a few pieces. Yumm. I haven't seen him eat any yet.  Do I look like a  guinea pig?  He's spending all this time on something called a blog. You know how I feel about that laptop.  It's not a very comfortable place to sleep. Then he suddenly stands up, ties a scarf around my neck, and starts taking pics.  

Only 12 more days

Watch What You Wish For.....

I never quite understood that quote because I thought if I got what I wished for, I'd be happy; but, it's another Chinese curse. To be specific, all I ever wanted after my diagnosis was to be able to have sex again.  I thought it was over.  But, I got my wish and I still wasn't happy. That's because it wasn't about sex. It was about love. And, there my friends, lies the problem. The grass is always greener.  When one is alone, one wants a relationship. When one is in a relationship, one wants to have sex with someone else. (And I don't mean everyone, because there are always those who say they are happy and content; and I say, "God Bless You.")  So, I'm struggling with this idea that one never knows what lies ahead.  As Betty White said recently, "If one is lucky, one does."(lol)  She was referring to sex. I'm referring to a relationship.  I've had two long term ones. Neither ended well.  Yet, I miss the sharing.  I miss talking to someone about the day. I miss the odd juxtaposition of,"Don't forget to get some toilet paper... I love you."  I don't miss the disagreements and lack of privacy.  So, here's my advice to myself.  "Continue to think positive, stay focused, and be constructive.  I've always said, "If I only listened to myself, I'd be fine."  That's what I'm trying to do, but I will watch what I wish for.

DAVID GARRETT: Thunderstruck (AC/DC) | PBS

Time for a change of pace. David Garrett rocks with Thunderstruck.

Holiday Blues

People usually associate grief with losing a loved one.  But, one can grieve the loss of anything. With prostate cancer, it can be the loss of the prostate, performance, or self-image. I know that I grieved after my surgery and it was a difficult time. Dr. Kubler-Ross, an authority on loss, offers a five-stage process:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bartering
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

When I was diagnosed, I went into denial.  I got two more opinions, talked to several doctors, and had several consults.  Then, I became angry as I explained in an earlier post (premature retaliation). It took me awhile to realize how angry I was, but then I started bartering. I prayed that it wasn't as serious as I heard, that my case would be different, and if I were nicer, it would disappear. It didn't and I opted for surgery.  The doctor assured me that he had removed the cancer and luckily it had not spread to the margins (the area surrounding the prostate).  In other words, the operation was successful. The next step was depression (grieving) over the loss of activity I associated with my healthy self (the person I was before my surgery.)  Fortunately, I wasn't much different in regard to getting erections and ejaculations. But, I worried about urine leakage, explanations, and general unease.  Finally, after 2 years, I adjusted to the fact that this was the new me.  And, that it wasn't so bad.  After all, the alternative was worse. It was then I embraced the concept of "living in the moment."  It wasn't easy but with practice, it got easier. There are still times when I fall back into old patterns of depression, but I am able to recover faster. My point here is that holidays have a way of making me more emotional, more sensitive.  I grieve the loss of loved ones and the person I once was.  But, I've found I can love this new person and accept him.  I have come to peace with this. I think that my experience applies to anyone who has or is fighting cancer.  It takes strength, courage, and perseverance.  On the days you feel you just can't go on, be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Life goes on with or without you, but I'd like to think it's better with you in it.

The world is certainly a better place for having had Cubs Ron Santo in it.  Hats off to a real hero. (His funeral procession is being held today in Chicago.)

I'm Kinda' ...

It's time to let you know that "I'm kinda' out.  You probably suspected when you saw how much I loved dance, that my dog's name is Nathan, and that I have so much advice to give on the prostate. But, only being kinda' out is like being kinda' pregnant. Anyone I've told I'm out, says, "That's not news." And the truth is, it's not. What's important is being who you are and making a difference and that's what I've always tried to do.  I think that's good advice regardless of your sexual preference.

Thoughts To Live By

The holidays bring up all kinds of emotions and most of them are stressful. I know I am a worrier. Worry runs in our family. I try my best not to, but often find myself doing it anyway.  A psychologist passed this along to me.

40% of the things I worry about never happen
30% are beyond my control
12% will happen if I continue to worry
10% was none of my business in the first place
The remaining 8% I face as courageously as I can.

                                                             

Now, I can stop worrying about what I was going to post tonight.

Premature Retaliation

When I was first diagnosed with prostate cancer, I was angry.  Angry at my body, my situation, my life.  The sad part was that I didn't realize I was angry.

                                
If I was in line and there was a "price check," I would say something like, "Next time pick up an item that can be scanned."  Luckily, I was only met by looks of disbelief.  In hindsight, someone could have decked me or slashed me. I didn't care that the person looked shady, was 6' 4,' and weighed 280. I'd get out of line, leave my items, and even go to another store; not thinking that if I had just waited, I would have been finished.  Once, I said, "I have cancer.  I don't have time for this." Diagnosis can wreak havoc on both your physical and emotional health. I began having panic attacks. I was prescribed xanax. Luckily, this period was short lived.  Once I had my surgery, these attacks seemed to disappear.  Maybe it had something to do with the fact I no longer had a prostate gland.  Now, I had to fight depression.  The point of this post, is that 2010 is coming to a close.  I think a lot of people start to look back at the year and what transpired.  This all took place in 2008.  Rather than counting blessings, I count battles. Not the ones I lost, but the ones I won. (Incontinence, impotence, cancer) For that, I am thankful.

Snickers Time

Previously, I mentioned that I often take a deep breath to regain my composure.  But sometimes, I need something faster and stronger, and that's when I reach for a Snickers bar.  I've tried Mounds and Milky Ways, but for me, it's Snickers hands down. And, I'm not talking about those mini-things, I need a normal or giant size. The wrapper, usually in shreds, lies wherever it falls.  Within a minute, I get my rush and suddenly I can handle the world again.  I'm not proud of it, but I'm not giving it up, no matter what anyone

 says. In fact, with the holidays here, I'm making sure I always have one in my pocket.

Oldies But Goodies 50's & early 60's Rock & Roll

Hope you enjoy this.....

I know I did....

See how many you remember,,,,

Men Are Tough..

Most men of "a certain age" were brought up to believe and live by this maxim.  I know I was. (Before I forget, the TV series, "Men Of A Certain Age," starring Ray Romano is premiering on Dec. 6, at l0/9 central on TNT.  It's a funny series.  It captures the dynamics of men trying to "talk" to each other, while trying to stay masculine. That's an unsolicited plug, but I enjoyed it when I watched it last season.) Back to being tough... I know that I have trouble talking to other men. I've always had an easier time talking to women. I try to be in touch with my "sensitive side." It's taken me a long time to get there.  I've realized that tough can mean caring, listening, and accepting. Not trying to be competitive and argumentative. That has its place but it certainly doesn't work in relationships. It definitely doesn't work when you're recovering and your partner is trying to help you. Partners can nurture and you can accept it. I don't want to sound like I'm preaching from the pulpit of The Church Of Harmony. I'm saying that I have learned to bite my lip and my tongue and have been wiser for having done so. Maybe, it's something to think about.   

Happy Hanukkah

I wanted to take a moment to wish my friends a Happy Hanukkah.  I like to get together and share one of my favorite dishes, latkes.  Can you tell I'm hungry and will be looking for a good recipe for latkes? If you have a favorite, please feel free to share.  Since they're so good, I'm sure they must be helpful in fighting prostate cancer.....a very pathetic reach.