Adventures Of A Cancer Stud (Oscar & Simon) 2013

For those of you unaware of Oscar and The Adventures as a Cancer Stud, here are the Cliff Notes.

Oscar grew up as a loner and troubled  child. After discovering he was able to get good grades and dance (he gyrated to The Twist, The Chicken, The Pony, and Watusi, he decided not all was lost. In those moments, he threw himself into wild abandon and forgot about his acne, his flaws, his Catholicism.

He finished college after majoring in sexuality.Eventually he met a woman who claimed to adore him, so he married her. Soon, he discovered she was unable to give him love and only married him to have an audience (she claimed she was a movie star). After a divorce, he began taking art classes and found himself attracted to another man.

He did not want to admit he was gay, but it could be true. Just when he was about to explore this, he discovered he had prostate cancer. After surgery and recovery, Oscar felt even more miserable then he did before. He decided to have a penile implant and decided to get the "super-size" version. Suddenly, he got noticed. He was followed, chased, stalked by both sexes. At first, it was daunting, but he began to be asked to be a guest on the talk show circuit, Oprah, Barbara, David, Jay, even Jimmy asked him to appear.

But eventually, this wore thin, and Oscar knew he had to expand his horizons. After trying every therapy that existed, he was left with two choices, either consulting with the Dalai Lama or auditioning for the X factor and impressing Simon Cowell, which brings us to Oscar's latest adventure.

Although he knew he needed spiritual guidance, Oscar had been intrigued by the shallowness of

"show business."  He knew it was because he had always felt unpopular, but he was sick of having these "insights" and decided to go for the glitz and glamor.

He auditioned in Atlanta, where he was able to combine it with a speech he was giving to his brothers of penile implants. BOPI, which was starting to gain momentum in the US.

Since he needed to develop an image, he auditioned with, "Big Hunk O' Love."  Simon commented, "Interesting song choice. I couldn't help but notice you are taking advantage of your ...gift. You are going on to the next round."

Oscar was overwhelmed but knew he had to "act cool" or he could get booted. In the following weeks, Oscar got to the top 20, then the top 10, and now he was in the top 5, and finally the top 2. His song choices had been edgy, Kelly Clarkson's "What Doesn't Kill You...", Tim McGraw's, "Felt Good On My Lips," Snoop Dog's, "Drop It Like It's Hot." But his rendition of Aretha's, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T," snagged him the title of the star with the X Factor. 

                       Life was good.

Adventures of a Cancer Stud

Oscar soon learned that there is a price for fame. He had gone from a life of being a recluse to one of being a star. Paparazzi appeared no matter where he went.

Even if he went to the local grocery store for a loaf of bread and milk. Of course, Oscar knew he had always wanted to be well endowed and wanted people to chase after him. But, it took a lot of time and effort. He had to deal with questions like, "How does it feel to have one of the biggest tools in the world?" Do you find you enjoy sex more?  Do you plan on getting a bigger version?" The answers were: cumbersome, absolutely, and no.

Oscar had always liked clothes even if they fit badly and came from the cheaper outlets. Now, he found that his waist was the same but his inseam had increased a foot. None of his pants fit, unless he wanted to look like he was advertising his wares. He finally had to find a tailor, but even he was curious. This led to another search for someone who would not be impressed or curious. She came from a small Romanian village where size was never noticed. Men often put bottles of vodka in their pockets so they could have a taste whenever they wanted and consequently they all looked well-endowed. Also the women did most of the chores and were so exhausted by the end of the day, the last thing they wanted was sex. Nanika measured accurately and was an excellent seamstress.

Oscar went from looking like a schlump to appearing like a Wall Street banker. Now, even though people knew who he was they didn't fixate on his crotch. (That wasn't true. It just wasn't obvious to those who searched.) This was especially important when he made a TV appearance. Cameramen liked to zero in on that area as the host asked him about his appendage. Oscar usually wore an oversized shirt unless he was coming on  OPRAH or THE VIEW.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DczrNOwRmew Joy and Sheri enjoyed sitting close to him, Elizabeth blushed and he noticed even Whoopi and Barbara seemed overly cheerful . Oprah announced, "HERE'S OSCAR." He kept trying to tell them that prostate cancer was the only reason he was there, but they didn't want to hear that.

 As I mentioned, Oscar was gay and wondered why the women still were interested. Then he realized that a lot of male movie stars, even though they had families and considered very masculine, were also gay. It was so common that on the talk show circuit, very few people bothered to acknowledge it. It was then that Oscar began to wonder why he thought it was so important to have such a "big one." Of course there was the exhibitionist factor. When he went to the gym, the showers suddenly filled up and more men snuck glances and crowded around him.

Oscar sought out a good therapist who specialized in size issues....and charged $1,000 an hour. There was a time when Oscar would have laughed at the cost but now that he was famous, it no longer mattered. He often felt used and wondered how many people liked him for his fame, or even worse,  his Dong. His therapist was working with him to accept himself and it was a tough process.

THE VIEW

I'll Miss Her

Oprah's last show is next Wednesday, May 25th.  I've been watching some of the last episodes and it reminds me of all the good work she did. Living in Chicago, I always felt like she was my neighbor or a good friend.  She always made me feel like she was talking to me and if not, she was sharing some important topic that I felt I should know about.  It's hard to believe she's been doing her show for 25 years. Like all good friends, I'll miss her, but we've been lucky to have her this long. It's time for her to move on and I know she will.  Besides her own network, I have a feeling she's going to end up on a lot of shows and making statements that matter. Today, Mattie Stepanek, a l4 yr. old who died from a rare disease was listed as one of her all time favorites. Oprah's connection with him was quite clear and he touched the hearts of all of us. As Mattie said in one of his last appearances, "I'll miss you Oprah."