Intimacy Revisited

Prince William and Princess Kate seemed so perfect for each other. It came at a time when everyone wanted to see a fairytale with a beautiful princess and a handsome prince. And I know all of us wish they have a wonderful life together. Of course, they have their future ahead of them and I'm sure it will be with filled joys and sorrows. 

It made me think of myself and others who have been in relationships. Ones that seemed so full of promise in the beginning.  Ones we were sure would last forever. But, life has a way of changing things and these days, few couples stay together.  The ones that do take work and patience. And this brings me to the word, intimacy. 

I think many of us, especially men, confuse lust for love. I know I did. I was young and inexperienced and it seemed like the right thing at the time. I see many posts in the prostate forums and many couples can no longer have sex together and the relationships seem to have problems. There seems to be a lot of accusations and suggestions but I often think they miss the basic issue. Men do not know how to be intimate.  

Very few have ever thought about it. Life happens and there are children and work and college and suddenly a couple is left alone with each other and don't know what to say to each other. My point is that if the man was never intimate before a crisis, he is not going to be intimate after the crisis.  In the prostate cancer forums, intimacy is dissected and thrown around like a leaf tossed about in a storm. I'm not excusing us from intimacy but I think that if we never knew how to show it before, there is a slim chance of developing it after. I say slim but not impossible. It requires counseling and hard work.  I think both parties are at a disadvantage, dealing with the side effects and possible death of their loved one. Men tend to withdraw and say even less than they did before. The partner becomes even more exasperated and doesn't know what to do.  Considering the circumstances, this is not unusual. But, I think one of the issues that is never addressed is that men are never taught intimacy. Women know what intimacy is. It comes natural to them. They want it from their partner and their partner doesn't have a clue what she wants. I have seen this repeatedly in my counseling career. I have seen couples work through it, but it is difficult.  It's as if one speaks a foreign language and the other doesn't. Men need to learn about intimacy earlier. There should be courses and more resources available for men. If that happened, I think men would be better at it. It doesn't stop them from being men, which is what I believe most men are afraid of. It actually makes them more of a man, a man that is sensitive to his partner's needs and knows how to fulfill them, not just sexually, but more important, emotionally. That is the key here.

Well, my friends, I will probably come back to this another time. If I've been sexist, general, or  insensitive, I apologize. I too am aware of my weaknesses and try to work on them. I think intimacy is an important issue and one that should be examined and worked on with care.
Two books I would recommend are, Love and Intimacy by Joseph W. Walker III, and The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly.  

Pug Kisses...

and best wishes from me (Nathan the pug) and all my friends to Princess Kate and Prince William.  I brought  all  my friends and we're holding a spot in front of the TV.   May  you both have a  wonderful life together.

Moz'Art Group

This is just for fun.  This group is the most famous quartet in Poland.  Having fun decreases prostate cancer.  I know, I know.  It's another one of my long reaches, but I haven't done it in awhile.

It's All Relative....

Today I talked to a seventeen year old about techno music, partying, and age. What surprised me the most was age. He only has one more year to be young in his mind, because once you turn eighteen, you have to get a job, go to college, and it's all over.  Since I'm a card-carrying medicare senior, I had to laugh to myself. I remember being eighteen and I felt like I'd live forever. These days, I wonder if I'll live 'til tomorrow. Time passes. Relationships, births, cancer. My 50th yr. high-school reunion approaches. And I try to remember if at seventeen I worried about turning eighteen and realized it is all relative. 

Happy Easter and Happy Passover

Here's wishing one and all a Happy Easter and Happy Passover.  Enjoy the day

Still Waiting.....

I just wanted you and Prince William to know that our Postal system has been known to lose mail. I'm sure this is the case, since I still haven't received my invite.  If you could just pop another in the post, or better yet, just Fed Ex it over, I'd be very thankful. I know you're busy with preparations and such but maybe you could mention it to the Lord Chamberlain.  Thank you.  Looking forward to the wedding.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

My friend Dennis sent this to me recently.  It made me laugh because it is so true.  Anything that makes you laugh is good.

Spring Training

I gained a few pounds over the winter. Big deal. So now my owner, Ken, thinks I need to exercise. Not my favorite word. Not only that, I've had to join a group called the Hot Dogs. Getting ready for a triathlon. If he expects me to eat low cal dog food, he better go back to the drawing board.

Surrender

Today, I watched a segment of Oprah who had Shirley MacLaine on as her guest. Maclaine was discussing her new book, "I'm Over All That: And Other Confessions. I personally like MacLaine (I'm sure she's waiting for this endorsement) We met in a previous life while I was a pig farmer and she was a queen. But, back to this life. I've always enjoyed her performances and her personality. Plus, she has a dog. "What else do I need?" she says. Near the end of the show, she mentioned that one of her most important life lessons was "Surrender to the complicated divine plan." And this statement resounded with me. It made sense. I try to control situations or the future to no avail.  This only leads to frustration and despondency. Life unfolds the way it unfolds. And, it is complicated.  This leads me back to God. I want a lot of things (not really, maybe an Android phone), but I need a God. Without him, it doesn't make sense. It just doesn't.  So mes amis, take what you want from my observation. It was important to me. All of us have been given a life different than what we imagined. It is a good life. Filled with some sorrow, but also some glory. I'm going to enjoy the glory.  I have some chocolate chip cookies calling my name and I'm grateful for the peace I have at this moment.  

Erector Set

When I was a child, I received an erector set and was told if I could master it, I'd become a famous architect. I didn't do too well and I obviously didn't grow up to be an architect.I do remember that although I couldn't build the Eiffel Towel, I could get laughs from the adults because I referred to it as my Erection Set. Fast forward. Here I am playing with my Erection Set and wondering how all my friends are doing with theirs. Does Viagra help you build a tower? Have you tried the pump to get that skyscraper? How's that tri-mix working to create that tall crane? Funny, how life comes full circle? How are you doing with your Erection Set? 

When You Call My Name, I Salivate Like Pavlov's Dog

I need to drool on you

I don't know how many of you have been in a relationship with someone who had that kind of influence over you. It could be seen as good or bad.  If you're in love, it's great.  If you're not, you may feel used. I was in a relationship where I experienced both. It lasted more than 20 yrs. before I realized it was time for me to leave. Check out Reto Schneider and his column. Hindsight and all that.....but it's amazing how much I ignored the abusive behavior. I felt helpless. The good news is that I moved on and have a much more satisfying life. As I read more forums,I wonder if any of you have been in similar situations and how you handled it? 

When I Say Yes, I Mean No

Recently, I was in a situation where I said "yes," and really felt "no." This is not the first time I have done this. I have been taught to be a "people pleaser," polite, and appeasing. Often, this is at my own expense. These are random thoughts, so bear with me. After much agony, discussions with a friend, and some serious nightmares, I realized I was very miserable about my decision. I wasn't doing anyone any good. I then had to take control (there's that word again) of the situation and said "no." What often surprises me, as it did again, was that my decision was met by complete understanding. I, of course, imagined the earth opening and my falling into the depths of hell. It didn't happen. And so what is the lesson. Trust your feelings.  This isn't the first time I've said this.  In fact, I preach it to my clients. Trust your truth. It will never fail you. The nuns often punished us by making us write some transgression on the board a hundred times. I have to sign off now. I'm going to make myself a mango sundae with fresh blueberries, topped with whipping cream.I have learned rewards are better than punishment.