Intimacy Revisited

Prince William and Princess Kate seemed so perfect for each other. It came at a time when everyone wanted to see a fairytale with a beautiful princess and a handsome prince. And I know all of us wish they have a wonderful life together. Of course, they have their future ahead of them and I'm sure it will be with filled joys and sorrows. 

It made me think of myself and others who have been in relationships. Ones that seemed so full of promise in the beginning.  Ones we were sure would last forever. But, life has a way of changing things and these days, few couples stay together.  The ones that do take work and patience. And this brings me to the word, intimacy. 

I think many of us, especially men, confuse lust for love. I know I did. I was young and inexperienced and it seemed like the right thing at the time. I see many posts in the prostate forums and many couples can no longer have sex together and the relationships seem to have problems. There seems to be a lot of accusations and suggestions but I often think they miss the basic issue. Men do not know how to be intimate.  

Very few have ever thought about it. Life happens and there are children and work and college and suddenly a couple is left alone with each other and don't know what to say to each other. My point is that if the man was never intimate before a crisis, he is not going to be intimate after the crisis.  In the prostate cancer forums, intimacy is dissected and thrown around like a leaf tossed about in a storm. I'm not excusing us from intimacy but I think that if we never knew how to show it before, there is a slim chance of developing it after. I say slim but not impossible. It requires counseling and hard work.  I think both parties are at a disadvantage, dealing with the side effects and possible death of their loved one. Men tend to withdraw and say even less than they did before. The partner becomes even more exasperated and doesn't know what to do.  Considering the circumstances, this is not unusual. But, I think one of the issues that is never addressed is that men are never taught intimacy. Women know what intimacy is. It comes natural to them. They want it from their partner and their partner doesn't have a clue what she wants. I have seen this repeatedly in my counseling career. I have seen couples work through it, but it is difficult.  It's as if one speaks a foreign language and the other doesn't. Men need to learn about intimacy earlier. There should be courses and more resources available for men. If that happened, I think men would be better at it. It doesn't stop them from being men, which is what I believe most men are afraid of. It actually makes them more of a man, a man that is sensitive to his partner's needs and knows how to fulfill them, not just sexually, but more important, emotionally. That is the key here.

Well, my friends, I will probably come back to this another time. If I've been sexist, general, or  insensitive, I apologize. I too am aware of my weaknesses and try to work on them. I think intimacy is an important issue and one that should be examined and worked on with care.
Two books I would recommend are, Love and Intimacy by Joseph W. Walker III, and The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly.  

Intimacy As A Second Language

We, as men, do not speak Intimacy. In fact, most of us equate the word with sex. If you are in a relationship, I would bet, initially, you couldn't get enough of each other.  Time moves on and sex becomes less frequent... arguments, silences, "you don't love me anymore." Have I got it right, so far?  More years pass.  Kids grow and leave. And you're left alone with your partner.  You ask yourself, "Who is this person?  I mean really, "Who is this person?"
Then suddenly, you learn you have prostate cancer and all you can think about is sex, and you wonder:
1. Will I still get erect after treatment?
2. Will I be able to perform, even if I am erect?
3. Will I still be a man?
Answers: Maybe, maybe, yes.

Here's the deal.  Your partner still loves you.  And most likely, it's not because you're a super-stud.

I learned "intimacy" in my past and I'd like to pass it along.

Lesson One:
Repeat after me.  I need you.
One more time.   I (eye) need (knee with a d) you (u).

Now, try to add pauses:
                            I (pause)...need (pause)...you.
Good.
Extra points if you include your partner's name.

Finally, and this is the most difficult part, look into your partner's eyes and say it like you mean it.
You can do it.  I know you can.

What happens next will surprise you and your partner, who has probably passed out.
Tears, kisses, hugs.  Who knows?  But, I can guarantee you, it will bring the two of you together.

And, that is the end of our first lesson speaking, "Intimacy."